I am writing this to document my experiences with people which has led to the situation I now see in the world today. Kind of my personal journey with people that I see reflected in the world situation.
I've always been a pretty shy person, although I wouldn't call myself an introvert. In the right company I can come to life and be quite extroverted but generally I don't push myself out there onto other people or the world because that has never felt right to me. I've always felt what is right for you will come to you and find you and so I've spent most of my life just doing my thing, quietly putting it out there to be found by those who are drawn to it. I say this, because to some extent, I understand shy and introverted people.
That being said, I have found a lot of human behaviour really bewildering to understand for many years now. The first noticeable experience of this kind I had was with someone on the David Icke forum over 10 years ago now. This person enquired about me, wanted to know more about my life and then viciously turned against me and shut out all possibility of communication and resolving things. I thought that was a one-off.
One of the things they did was to block my ex-girlfriend who was a 'friend' on Facebook. The whole idea of blocking people on social media was strange to me at that time. Then several years later it happened to me with someone else who blocked her phone number and all forms of online communication. These people would always be the ones to instigate the relationship forming and then would cut me out suddenly and without warning leaving me wondering and without resolve or closure to the relationship. I came to discover this is known as "ghosting".
Others did it in a more subtle way, by never fully entering into anything with me but showing signs they wanted to - smiling or showing interest in some way. Then suddenly cutting you out before starting the process all over again until I walked away. Then there were those who would initiate a relationship of some kind with me and without warning disappear. They would then reappear weeks, months or years later and expect to resume the relationship before disappearing again. These people failed to understand this is not how a healthy friendship or relationship should be.
What I also learned during this time was that every time I attempted to reach out to people I was rejected. My intuitive feeling was always this from a young age and it generally served me well but from the time I arrived back in Edinburgh at the end of 2014, I soon realised the world was very different to what had been before. So many people kept pushing and urging me to show my face, put myself out there, promote myself. I was urged in different ways to reach out to people and against my nature and intuition, and because nothing else was happening, I gave it a try but each time I did it backfired.
Way back in 1999, when I first went online and began chatting to people I now realise there were signs of it then. It was not as blatant perhaps because society in general was largely offline, although there were signs of it there too. In fact, I've only ever met a handful of people in my life who have not behaved this way. Whenever I have moved away from people it has always been more final. A recognition we were not really on the same wavelength and the signs of this would be there for a while growing until I cut contact. I never wanted to play games with these people or wish bad on them, I simply recognised we were not right for each other and moved on. Often one of the reasons for this would be those people had a lot of other stuff and people going on in their life which distracted and took them away from me and what I was about so I never felt I would be missed.
In recent years I have found myself reluctantly having to adopt some of these blocking and cutting people out habits myself. I have only ever done this when the person involved was bringing too much chaos and confusion and disharmony into my life. To stay sane in this crazy world if I felt I was being messed around too much I may block someone or cut them out. Before reaching this point I'd give them a chance or several chances to explain and usually they wouldn't take those opportunities so what choice did I have?
The impression many of these people gave me was that I was to be some sort of figure in their lives they could come back to whenever it suited them. I was never going to accept this because I have a life too and things I want to do and if they didn't respect this then I didn't want them around me. I have always maintained I am here for only one thing - that is to build my reality and world with Music at the centre and to focus my time and attention to the people who wish to join me and build that with me. What others do with their lives is up to them but that is what I am here for and so I don't have time to waste on those who are looking for something else.
That may sound harsh but its pretty straight-forward and not intended to offend others. I understand there are introverted, shy and awkward people out there but its not my responsibility to accommodate them all. I can only accommodate those who are genuinely drawn to what I am about and what I'm trying for. Don't hear that as me dismissing others, as only wanting to know those who like my work and what I'm about, but as has often been stated, you can only help others when you are strong yourself, when you have your thing up-and-running and going strong, and so that will always be my priority. So far my experiences with people have largely hindered rather than helped in that area (or at best hindered as much as helped) and that is something I'd like to see change. It seems to me in the world right now people are searching for people and groups to belong to, ideas and philosophies to belong to, perhaps because the world is in such a state of uncertainty. Its natural for people to want to belong to something but if we are to find our way out of this mess there has to be a level of commitment, so that when you find the thing that suits you and fulfills that sense of belonging you follow through and stay with it.